Just a quick peek into my mind

I have decided. I am ok. I have been loved, and I have loved with all my heart. I know what it is to be loved, and I feel grateful for that opportunity. Travis taught me alot of things, and he is a big part of who I am today. He always will be in my heart, and that way he will always be with me.

A little easier

Today was slightly easier to get through, that could be the valium talking though. I don't know how long this is going to take me to get over... maybe a long time... but I thought of some stuff today that made the pain subside. Happiness may be a long way away, but atleast I can find comfort in the fact that I will find it again. I appreciate every one being so supportive. When you ask, is there anything I can do though, how is someone supposed to answer that question? I am picking myself up tomorrow, and going back to work. Sitting around is just harboring these feelings. Wish me luck.

The worst day I will ever know

I feel like my heart has literally been torn in two. My ex just died... We went through everything together. We just broke up in August. Life is so precious. I was so mad at him. I was a bitch the last few times we talked. He was a return war vet, and had some issues, but always said I made them easier to handle. He leaves behind a beautiful 5 year old daughter, and is on his way to meet a child that never got the chance to live. I loved him with everything I had. I still do. I am scared to go to his funeral alone. I don't know that I am strong enough to make it. I am sorry that this is how the first blog is and that it doesn't make sense, this is just stuff I need to get out. We were in a "forbidden" relationship because at first we worked together. I think it gave us a better opportunity to really get to know each other. Lol. We were like an old married couple. I pretty much lived with him. I would read on the couch, or crochet, he would sit in the Lazy Boy and watch Steven Segal... usually holding my hand or rubbing my feet. It may not have worked out for us in the end, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about him every single day. That I don't love him with all my heart. That I can just walk away from this unscathed. He was my everything for so long, and I gave my 100% to him. I feel sick. I want to call and talk to his family, but I don't want to make that phone call to his phone, and not have him answer. I am not strong enough to handle that. We never got to talk like we promised we would. How do you go on with a big hole in your chest threatening to comsume you? Travis: I love you. I am sorry for all the things left unsaid. I wish I could go back in time and work to fix out the anger in my heart. I want to apologize for being so angry, for not letting you explain. Please take care of the baby, and I will see you when I get there. We will never be a family again, but our lives will always be connected. I want you to know I forgive you, and in turn I am asking for your forgivness. I know this isn't goodbye, but it sure feels like it. You meant the world to me, and not a day has gone by that I haven't thought of you, nor will there ever be one. We had some good times, and we definately had some bad ones. I love you. Always have, always will. You will be in my heart, my thoughts, and my prayers. We had a rocky start, a glorious middle, and a tough end, I wouldn't change any of it except that we didn't get to patch things up. I will see you soon, it will be a lifetime for me, a second for you, but I will be waiting to see you my friend. Love you forever, Shaye